


Possibilities

by koalathebear



Category: Firefly
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-28 16:00:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/309576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koalathebear/pseuds/koalathebear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after Serenity</p>
            </blockquote>





	Possibilities

"So ... yet again it's just you and me up here," Mal commented, clearing his throat as he glanced over at his quiet co-pilot.

She remained silent, her huge eyes regarding him gravely as they always did, her hair falling about her face, abandoned and wild.

  
  
  
  
  
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They been flying together for some months now. He'd expected it to be harder, thought it would be difficult to adjust to the fact that it wasn't Wash flying _Serenity_ anymore, but somehow _Serenity_ like the rest of the crew seemed to forgive him and she flew for him with little reproach. Flew for him and River who anticipated his every thought before it could become a command. They sat side by side as they guided the ship into the darkness as if it had always been like that.

By the time River passed her eighteenth birthday, it was as if she'd always been there, just a few breaths away, shadowing him, watching him. Occasionally a smile would flicker across her pale and serious little face. Only eighteen yet a more talented pilot he had yet to see. She flew intuitively and with great skill and judgment. _Serenity_ responded to her, would do things that ordinarily she'd only do for Mal if he asked real nice.

Mal slanted a glance over at her. "I know I never told you, but you're a hell of a pilot. Glad you decided to foist yourself on me," he said with a gentle smile that took away the sting.

  
  
  
  
  
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"Am I still your albatross?" she asked him in a wondering voice and he grimaced.

"Always." He gave a wry smile. "I suppose I should thank you for .... everything. That and the fact that you don't seem to harbour no hard feelings for the fact that I chained you up once. I ain't apologisin' for that though - it had to be done," he said even as he had a note of regret in his voice.

"我知道 (wo zhi dao, I know)," she said softly. Her eyes were huge, eyes in which a man could drown and lose his very soul if he wasn't more cautious than Malcolm Reynolds. "You were scared .... thought about putting a bullet to me. Bullet in the brainpan, squish...." she said with a faintly distant tone to her voice as she tilted her head to one side and studied him.

Mal flinched. "Never. I never would have done that," he told her firmly.

"I know that, too," she told him. "You thought about it .... but you wouldn't have done it," she reassured him. "But I know why you were worried. I wasn't myself. I could have hurt people. Could have hurt you".

"You certainly hurt Jayne, his ego may never be the same," Mal said with reminiscent smile. "Wash wouldn't let him forget it ..." his voice trailed off, cracking slightly as he thought again about the man whose seat he was occupying. He thought about Wash all the time. They all did. He knew Zoe would never get over the loss of her beloved husband. The grief inside her had changed from rage into quiet sorrow, but he knew it would be a long time if ever before that expression faded from Zoe's dark eyes.

There was a long silence that stretched between them as _Serenity_ soared through the darkness, blazing past stars that gleamed for the briefest of seconds before they vanished forever.

"It wasn't your fault," River whispered gently and her eyes and her voice were filled with empathy.

Mal's throat tightened. "Course it was, he'd still be here if it wasn't for my damned fool ideas. Draggin' him and his around the 'verse on my own personal gorram crusade," he said bitterly.

"He chose to follow you ... we all follow our captain," she whispered. "We make our own choices .." she whispered, her arms wrapped around her slender legs, her eyes regarding him unblinkingly.

"You know ... you're still more than just a little strange, River," Mal pointed out. "I thought you were supposed to be cured and all ..."

"Do you think there's any cure for the things that I've done, captain?" she asked him bluntly.

"River ..."

"I've killed people. You know that. I've killed them and I've felt their blood splash my skin," she whispered. She touched the pale skin on her arm reflectively, not looking at him.

"You're not the only one," he said, exhaling slowly. "I done my fair share of killin' too. Some of them deserved it. Some of them - they just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"How do you live with that?" she asked him softly.

"You live with it because you got no other choice, darlin'" he said briefly. "I was a soldier. So were you I guess. We just have to keep goin'. Do the right thing and hope that our good deeds outweigh the wrong we've done in this life".

"Who keeps score?" she asked him wonderingly.

"不是你或者我。。。。 (bu shi ni, huo zhe wo, Not you or me) ... Book would say there's a higher being up there that keeps an eye out for us. We just have to do our best, little one," he said with a wry smile. He frowned slightly. "What's that smile for?" he asked her.

She looked down at her clasped hands and then slanted a smile towards him. A sly, slow smile of pleasure that curved her mouth and filled her dark eyes with life.

"You don't think I'm so little ..." she murmured provocatively.

Mal cleared his throat. "Well you certainly killed a lot of Reavers for such a pint sized girl," Mal said hastily and River shook her head slowly, her dark hair swaying about her pale, pale face.

"You know that's not what I'm talking about, captain," she said and she rose to her feet, walking in her silent, graceful way over towards him to where he sat, staring out fixedly at the skies before them.

"I think you should sit right down again," he said.

"Why?" she asked him with a smile. "That's not what I want. That's not what you want," she whispered. "I want to walk over here .... just like you want me to come over here," she said softly. "I can see the patterns forming in the sky, see the beauty of a world that you've shown me .... just like I can see your thoughts now captain ..."

"If it's all the same, I'd prefer it if you'd stay right out of my thoughts, River. Hasn't anyone ever told you that it's rude to poke around in people's heads?" he demanded, a little tersely, a thread of tension creeping through his voice.

She leaned down, her dark hair brushing his cheek and he could smell the soft fragrance of her perfume. "It's all right, captain," she whispered. "I want the same things you do ..."

"River this is a mistake, go back to your seat," he said tersely, his hands clenched into fists.

"There are no mistakes - just choices we make, paths to walk, stories to tell ...." she smiled again. "Yes, maybe I'm still a bit crazy ..." she said and he shook his head.

"I don't think you're crazy. No more'n me anyway," he said with a crooked smile as he turned around to look at her where she stood before him, a faery almost wild and feral creature with her dark, heavy hair and elusive smile.

"What did you think when you first saw me?"

"I thought you were naked and insane," he said flippantly. She lifted her brows questioningly. "And a whole lot of pretty," he conceded, smiling despite himself.

River smiled, tilting her head to the side. "I like it when the sadness leaves your eyes," she said, running a fingertip down his cheek. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard.

"Darlin', this is very flattering and all but you're ...."

"太年轻 (tai nianqing, too young)?" she asked him with a faintly bitter note in her voice. "I've never been young," she told him.

"Too young for me," he told her, his eyes old and sorrowful.

"They put the universe inside my head, captain. I could feel it exploding and pulsing inside of me". She closed her eyes in remembered pain. "The things I know, the things I've seen. I'm not a child," she told him flatly. "I never have been". She was stating a fact.

"River, I ..."

To his surprise she gave a smile then. "Can you think of any man in the universe who would be old enough for me, captain?" Before he could reply, she had pressed her cheek against his, her fingers tangling in his hair. "I've sailed through the stars, hurtled through the heavens to the places you've taken us. All the wonders are things that you've shown me. Eternity has no one for me but you - my captain," she whispered.

Mal's body tightened immediately in response to her words and her lips against his cheek. He felt his own hands reach up to touch her smooth silken skin and allowed himself to crave what he knew he shouldn't have.

"I'm eighteen you know," she whispered.

"Eighteen goin' on 'bout a hundred," he mumbled and she nodded.

"I'll give you time," she whispered. "I'm patient. I can wait. I'll give you time to decide what you want. I'll give you time to speak to Inara again, to rid yourself of the doubts that cloud your mind. She'll always be a part of you, but the two of you can never be that way. She can never give herself to you completely, not the way I can," she told him. "Not the way I will," she promised him and his eyes widened in shock.

"You're more dangerous 'n I thought, River Tam," he said huskily, his mouth dry as she smiled at him.

River closed her eyes for a moment and smiled again. "Unpredictable, I think you told him," she searched for a moment more and then smiled. "Rain destruction down on you and your ship? So that's where the albatross comment came from," she said with a knowing smile.

"小信天翁 ... xiǎoxìntiānwēng little albatross ... and my lucky charm now," he said, smiling despite himself, his hand reaching up to touch her cheek lightly. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the sensation that sang through her blood at his touch against her skin.

"Maidenhead. You carried me in your arms even though I'd tried to kill you".

  
  
  
  
  
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"Maybe I'm not one for holdin' grudges. More healthy to let go," he said with a crooked grin, remembering how vulnerable and fragile she had looked as she crumpled to the ground. It had been impossible to believe that just one second before, she had been like a whirlwind of violence and devastation.

"You know, I thought I told you to quit readin' my mind," he reprimanded her sharply and she opened her eyes again, her brown eyes staring into his. "It ain't polite".

"But it's so interesting," she told him. "How long did you watch over me?" she demanded, her gaze wandering over him searchingly.

"Just long enough to make sure you weren't gonna cause any more ruckus than you already did," he said abruptly and she smiled again.

  
  
  
  
  
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"You watched over me for a very long time," she looked sad. "I'm sorry I caused you so much worry," she said penitently and he shook his head.

"You kept changin' on me, girl. I thought I knew you, and then I'd glance again and you'd be someone different. Something different. I was wonderin' what I'd see in your eyes when you woke up - who you'd be".

"The girl or the weapon," she quoted and he nodded.

He spoke slowly, reflectively. "I said to Book that I could have left you behind ..... leave you and your brother behind and get the hell out of there."

"That's not your way," he told you, River said reflectively.

"I never realised I had a way until he pointed it out," Mal said with a shrug.

"Captain Malcolm Reynolds. 英雄 (ying xiong, hero). Champion of lost causes," River said lifting his hand to her lips and kissing it reverently.

Mal felt embarrassed. "Not a hero. And I don't consider you a lost cause, dar.... River," he said cutting off the endearment deliberately.

"True," she said thinking for a moment, running her fingertips over his mouth lightly. He resisted the urge to kiss her fingers. "When you took me on that mission. You had faith in me, like I could be part of the crew," she said, her eyes aglow. "You promised you'd take care of me," she said with a smile.

"Piss poor effort. First Reavers, then I think you swallowed a bug in the end," he said with a wry smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Your brother almost killed me".

River nodded. " _She is fine! Except for being still crazy, she's a picture of health!_ " River quoted back at him and Mal shrugged.

"You gotta admit, you do come out with the strangest things at times, River," he pointed out, his smile amused despite himself. "But that's part of your homespun charm," he told her before she could reply.

"I ain't quite right, remember?" He bit back a laugh. "I'm always going to be a bit broken, captain," she said sadly. He started to protest but then she put a hand to his mouth. "But so are you. Broken and damaged. You carry all your memories and regrets around in your head - they're always spinning around in there, haunting you. The Battle of Serenity, Book, Wash - none of it was your fault. You take care of the people around you. If you can't always succeed, that's not your fault," she told him urgently.

"废话," (fèihuà, rubbish) Mal muttered, his eyes dark. "A man who don't succeed is what's known as a failure, River. It's that simple," he told her.

"You're not a failure," she whispered, coming closer and allowing her lips to brush against his. He kept very still, swallowing hard.

"River, you know this can't ..." he said his voice taut with tension.

She stared at him, her eyes huge.

She stood between his parted thighs and slid her slender arms around his neck and held his head against her breast, her fingers tangling in his hair despite the fact that he remained completely motionless in her arms.

"The man told you I was a danger. I remember, captain. You asked me that day if I was anything but a weapon. You told me that you'd staked everyone's life on the theory that I'm a person... ".

"Yeah I did," Mal said quietly, barely able to hear through the rush of blood that was hurtling around his brain.

"You know what I can do but you let me stay onboard your ship anyway".

  
  
  
  
  
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Mal cleared his throat. "Well you come in handy now and then. It occurred to me that I could use you in a fight," he said at a weak attempt at joking.

"Permission to stay onboard," she said, her lips brushing against his again. "I'll always protect you," she promised.

Mal caught her by her slender shoulders and slowly, reluctantly pushed her back from him.

"You got it backwards, River. I'll always protect you," he promised her. Just as I protect all my crew. It's what I do - it's my duty," he said, not quite able to meet her gaze. "Now you get outta here, you hear?" he said, still not quite able to meet her searching gaze. "Head back to your quarters or wherever, just get out of here," he said tersely.

"Is that what you really want?" she asked him, reaching out her hand to touch his face again but he caught her slender wrist and held it away from his face.

"Yeah, it's what I want. Now get," he said said firmly and turned away from her deliberately, turning his back to her as he stared out at the reproachful heavens. He heard her light footsteps on the ground walking away from him. His throat was very tight and his hands were clenched into fists on the panel before him.

"慢走 mànzǒu," Mal said in a harsh voice, staring out fixedly into the emptiness of open space.

He froze when slim arms slid around his neck once more, River's cheek pressed against his and he felt her smile.

"Not going anywhere ...."

"You just disobeyed a direct order, little one," he said with no heat in his voice.

"I know you better than you know yourself, captain".

"That's what comes of having a gorram reader on board," he muttered, turning around to face her once more and she smiled and stepped forward.

"It's got nothing to do with being a reader, and you know it," she told him and this time when her lips met his, his arms slid around her and he gave himself up to the sheer pleasure of sensation. She tasted of sin and salvation and her body was soft and pliant in his even as it was demanding a response from him which he gave her even though he knew that he shouldn't.

"I'm gonna regret this," he mumbled. "There's bad decisions and then there's just plain stupid".

"Captain".

"Yeah?"

"You talk too much".

"So I've been told".

"Please shut up".

"Yes ma'am," he said and obliged, his body tangled with hers and the silence that followed was broken only by the sounds of soft laughter and breathless whispers.

 _Serenity_ clearly approved of what she saw because she kept flying into the darkness, keeping them on a steady course.

 ****

The End

 **Note:** The phrase 慢走 mànzǒu is courteous language said by the person staying behind to the person who is leaving. It usually means 'goodbye' or or take care, but it _can_ also mean 'don't go yet' and 'stay'.


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